Next Number Please...

For the exception of a few miserable years, I’ve always had long hair. The miserable years I am referring to is when I was about 6, I was forced to cut it. Long story short (hehe ironic), it was so long and curly and I’d fight every time it would need to get brushed (some things never change) so I was ordered to cut it…SHORT, by my Dad. Of course, having no say in the matter, it got cut…short. At first I didn’t mind it much, but then a neighborhood kid came up behind me and asked my brother “who’s that boy?”. Granted it was the really strange drooley, awkward staring, set his house on fire because he was a pyro kid, but nonetheless I was so freaked out that I said my hair must be what defines me and is who I am…Fast forward to years later (about 20) and here I am, still with long hair and about to write about stuff that has nothing to do with getting a haircut. Yep, nothing to do with hair or a haircut…I guess I just needed a good intro to whatever it is I’m trying to say so I here it goes.

Here we are into the 2^nd month of the New Year and I’m just as confused and tired as ever. I, like everyone else wishes that the next year will be “their” year. Whatever that means, right? So far, this year has been more days of applying for a new job and no response (job search is going into month 6), working for a person who has lots of bad karma coming to them and me still not knowing what I really want to do or where things are going. Well, I still have long hair but let’s just say that I feel a little lost.

Does the whole figuring out who you are just magically happen? Do you just fall into your place? The reason that I ask is because I’m still a first time adult and time’s flying by and it’s kinda freaking me out. Ok, yes possible quarter life crisis but I’m pretty sure I did that around 22. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I have to credit my Woodsman, family and best friends for that but the rest of things are in chaos. Is that part of life…when one thing FINALLY happens (love and happiness) does everything get out of sorts? I am so thankful and fortunate for my personal life but the rest of stuff just seems like a big deli counter and I’m waiting for my number to be called so I can order my potato salad.

The Woodsman keeps telling me that I need to really figure out exactly what I want and it’ll happen. What I don’t understand is how I’m supposed to get there when I don’t know where to even start. I’m really not being picky; I just want something better (decent job, to have a family, not worry about money so much…the usual). I think with his thinking is that I’ll have to start small like. So I guess the whole point of this isn’t to say I’ve come to some big conclusion and I’ve figured out exactly what I should be doing or saying. It’s just to say this is where I am. Even though my hair hasn’t changed (and of course nothing physical should define you as a person), the rest of my being and me has. My hope is that it gets a little clearer…soon.